What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 05:14
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She wouldn,t have been !
Put me off passion for life!!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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Especially a lifetime of it.
All the time i was locked up.
We all went to grammer schools
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She found it foreign!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She loved him until the end.
Im still living with it.
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My life is so biszare .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One cannot live in the past .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I said to her
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was very sick at this time too.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was in good health!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So, i spoilt her more .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was seconnd youngest,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I write beautiful poetry .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
It was going to be , some day.
I could never make a relationship work though!
This is soul school!.
He knew the spot.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But ive been too sick for many years..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I think the readers, may guess!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So whats the point in blame.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
When she asked me how she looked .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was scared of men, in general
But, we were locked up after school.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Would this be the day?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I couldn’t, believe it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
What did i know ?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was 9 years of age.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She married twice! .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We were not on the streets..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I have no regrets .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Comes on , in middle age.
I waited trembling.
I don,t even have a pension.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Who then, do I blame.?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Was to survive, this bastard.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I will be 64.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Ive learnt so much.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And i lived it daily.
But it wasn’t much.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My family never makes their pension either.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.